I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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