I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
