you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
