fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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