Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
