Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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