I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
