No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
