new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
