i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
