I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
