The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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