So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
