I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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