Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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