Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
