I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
