Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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