I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
