he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
