i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
