Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
