my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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