About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
