oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
