My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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