his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
