i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
