Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
