she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
