So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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