I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
