if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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