It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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