How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
