M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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