We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
