It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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