she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
