Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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