I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
