Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
