Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I cut my penus on the lid.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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