I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
third nipple confirmed
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
