so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
