he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
