he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
