Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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