Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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