why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
My vagina just recognized that song.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
