Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
