planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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