Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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