Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
