Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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