I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
