im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Someone shattered a urinal.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
